Everyday is a struggle between what I wanna say and what I should keep to myself

"Everyday is a struggle between what I wanna say and what I should keep to myself"
                            -Toby Lightman-

I swore to myself when I started blogging that this was not going to be a blog about the woes that I have for myself, but a positive place to gather all of the positive things about my life, however, there are a few things I need to say help me with cope with the one thing that has been bothering me for quite some time. It might seem a little crazy...but this is me, you get what you get...if you are bored, do not read it. Close the window. I do not care. This post is for me.  I probably should not post this...but oh well. shit happens.


Dear Myself,
       There is something weighing on my mind. For some reason I am finding it hard to say out loud, so it is within these words, that I will find my strength to say it.  I know before I say it, I will sit here, staring at this blank screen before I find the courage to say what I really want to say. I know that what I write down will be the truth and I am more scared of the self realization than actually telling you, but I guess that is all in the same. In some ways you already know what it is I want to say and in other ways, you do not. I know that may sound strange, but there are words fighting to get out and moments where you push everything away so you do not have to deal with the reality of being alone.
       I have known you my whole life. I have watched you go through heartbreak after heartbreak and each time it gets more difficult than the last. You hear people tell you thinks like "it is not you, it is them",  "guys are put off by your strength and confidence", "You know what you want and you can tell within a few minutes that he is not the guy for you, so you move on" or "he is out there and he is going to just sweep you off your feet at any moment".  As it gets more hopeless you feel like that will be the moment you find "him", but instead you find nothing more than your stuffed animal to hold at night.  Instead you come to the realization that "he" does not exist.  It is in this moment that you realize that it is you that is standing in the way of everything. Sure some things can be circumstantial, but how open are you to it all?  This is your biggest insecurity.  You say that you are open to these possibilities, but you open your mouth too soon, you jump the gun.  You are too eager to find that spark that you will not let it ignite.  I know that you do not want to miss an opportunity and you think that you need to let him know how you feel, but honestly, we are not in high school anymore. You need to slow down and just let the wave ride.
       So, now, this is the point where I am suppose to tell you to not give up hope or faith "he is out there. As much as I do not want that to happen, I have to tell you that you have to.  It is not worth your time to be worrying about all of that fairy tale, movie magic crap.  You build yourself up by watching movies and watching romances unfold on television. THIS CRAP IS NOT REAL. It is a screen play. They have writers who tell them what to say and when to save the day. In real life, this does not happen.  So do not expect fireworks every time. Do not be swept off your feet with the next guy who bats his pretty blue eyes at you. Right now, your sole purpose is to focus on yourself and the goals you have set for yourself.  You know as well as I do how you act when a boy pays attention to you.  You loose focus and perspective of who you really are. You begin to dote over this boy, become a hopeless romantic. Then when he does not deliver the same feelings, you try everything you can to make him see that you are suppose to be his "one". You cannot understand how you could feel so deeply for him and for him to just walk away. However, the logical side of you knows that in order for something to work, both parties have to feel the same way.  You try to rationalize these things, when something does not work out, you tell yourself it is going to be okay. The thing is, you have to let yourself hurt, if you do not do this, then you can never truly heal.  Stop hiding behind your work, put yourself out there and be vulnerable
     Every time, you get your hopes up and start dreaming of things before you have the right to. You must make HIM work for it.  You must make him the dreamer.  There is no way for you to know he is all in it unless you let him make a few moves. Stop being the one who opens up first. Leave him with some mystery. If he wants to see you, if he wants to be with you, HE will make it happen, right? HE is out there, he has to be. As much as your heart is hurting and longing for your other half, you have to understand that there is a reason you are waiting.  Not everyone can know what they want like you, you have to give him the chance to make up his mind.  This thought is not instant with men, it takes them a while to commit. Love is hard, it exists, I promise you, but it cannot happen just like that. It will take some time to manifest, just be patient.
      You have to be careful and take your time. Do not rush into anything without thinking it through. Yes, it may be your first impulse to say what is on your mind, what you are thinking, what you are feeling and what you want, but you cannot. No, it will not be mind games by holding these feelings back for a little bit, it is giving everything a chance to manifest into what it is going to be. So hold your breath, be careful in what you say because with the breath you save can be the one thing that saves you from making the same mistake you have already made. Just be wise in your decision because nothing can make up for another broken heart.
      

*NO! I hate this bull crap. Here is the thing I can write whatever I want to write to try and help myself feel better. This is ridiculous. I am ridiculous. I hate the fact that I am alone. I do not know how to fix it, but I am sick and tired of cuddling with my stuffed animal. I want someone to hold me, to kiss me, to wrap me up in a big huge hug. I do not care how desperate this sounds. I am so frustrated with all of this. I can sit here and write the rest of this corny crap, keep digging down into the bottom of my soul, or I can just tell you all that yes, I did need to get that stuff out, but when it comes down to it. I do not want to be alone anymore. I want to really be loved.*



Love,
     Me