Monday, October 25, 2010


This past summer, I made around 60 or so pieces of jewelery for camp.  I wore a new piece everyday and they were all made from found objects. I found new ways to use old things.  I guess that is what I have been focusing on because I do not have a torch or the correct tools to make what I really want to make.  I find it very interesting that throughout my whole career at Grand Valley, GLUE was a four letter word and now that I am out, I use it CONSTANTLY! haha. I know it is horrible and I am loosing some of my technique or credibility or whatever, but they were quick pieces that I used to get my creative juices flowing again.  I guess you could call them sketches. I know earlier, I was talking about how I was not a sketcher, however, I have realized that I 'sketch' in my own way. These photos are two such "sketches". I took apart an old saxophone and created brooches out of them. These two were given as gifts. I will be posting more photos of my pieces as soon as I can, but for now, enjoy these ones! :)

I do not have much more to say right now, but hold on tight because you know I never stay in one spot for long.

AC out.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

You know the phrase: "Rome was not built in a day"?

I have been doing a great deal of thinking lately, mostly about my new body of work that I so desperately crave to start working on.  My ideas are solid but my sketches??? Not so much.  I am not the greatest sketcher. I would rather see the ideas in my head and just make it as I work. Which strikes me as a little odd, seeing how I have a detailed plan for everything.  I was speaking with my mom last night and I was getting really frustrated about how I am not where I would like to be with my art.  How I have to wait until I pay my bills to get started on my work. What do I do instead? I sit at my computer and I watch countless hours of mind numbing television.  I tell myself that it is research for my work. I sit here and study relationships; how they develop, how they change; how they start and how they end. Which is half true.  I have decided that my work is about relationships between people. More specifically, about the love that grows within a friendship or a misconstreued idea.  What I have found is that people do not communicate openly.

Not only have I been studying television, but I have also been studying my friends and their relationships with their significant others (because believe you me, it feels like all of my friends are with someone). Weither it be new or old, hot or cold, I have noticed that a very select few of them are truely and actually in an open communicative relationship.  I watch my parents and how they interact after twenty-five years of marriage and it is almost as if they fall in love all over again each and everyday. It is quite amazing.  On the other hand, I am aware of other friends who are suspicious that their honey is not being so faithful or they have doubts about their love to one another. Instead of confronting these concerns, they push them aside as if they would not matter.  I know I am not an expert on this whole "love" thing, but I know a thing or two about proper communication.  I know that if you are not one hundred percent honest with your "someone", then how the hell is anything suppose to be fixed. Are you just going to go on doubting them until you work yourself up so much that you break it off, when it could have been fixed with a few arguements and/or discussions? 

I guess it might just be me, but if I find someone or something is bothering me, I confront it.  I have heard confrontation is scary and hard for most people, but there is a point and time where you need to take control of your life and just go for it. Stand up for yourself and stick to your ground.  If you do not, then it is your fault when the break up happens and if you are in an unhappy relationship (wither it be a blossoming new love or a fifty year marriage) you are sol because YOU did not speak up.  How is anyone suppose to know something is wrong unless you SAY SOMETHING about it!? Stop being passive aggressive and SUCK IT UP CUPCAKE!

There are very few couples that I know in whom I would love to model my relationship after (with whoever the lucky guy ends up being) and for the record, I would just like to give credit to the love birds.  They inspire me and give me hope that love like theirs really does exist and that I am waiting for all the right reasons. So here is my personal thank you.

First and foremost, I thank my mom and dad. They are the reason I am as strong willed and independent as I am.  They taught me to stand on my own two feet before I can lean on someone for more strength and wisdom. 

Next, my Grandma and Grandpa. Six beautiful children, all still married to their first husband (or wife) and almost all happily married, twenty-something grandchildren and four great-grandchildren and still as in love as the first day they met, there is a real rare treat in todays world. 

To Amy and Eric, the crazy love birds who taught me that no matter what, you need to find that person who drives you crazy and pushes you towards your passion and shares it with you, not only that but who will REALLY support you and be there for you in sickness and in health. 

I will never forget the (kind of) newly engaged couple, Cassandra and Dave. (Cassie being my bestest friend). I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to be watching this love blossom and grow.  From the first time Cassie called me to tell me Dave told her he loved her, to all the long talks we now have about their wedding next spring.  They have a rare blessing in today's world, sadly enough. It is my favorite kind, the kind I hope to find.

And to James and Jessica, who deserve eachother more than any two people I have ever met.  To a new couple who just make sense. The smiles I see on their faces when they are talking about one another are priceless and never overrated.

I love you all and I thank you for the inspiration and more importantly, being true to yourselves.  These things will always take time and hard work, but know that every ounce of it is worth it.  Never under estimate the power of love.

Stay tuned because I never stay in one spot for long.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

second thoughts

I am having second thoughts about my last post. Should I have really posted that? It seems desperate after reading it again...

Well I am off to work now. I only have a five hour shift, so I shan't be gone long. Maybe when I get back, I will actually work on my letters and try to sketch a few things out in my sketchbook...that is something I have not done in a while. I have SOOOO many ideas for my work now. It is almost ridiculous! A very amazingly wonderful, ridiculous though! :)

Take care my fellow readers. You know I'll never be in one spot for long...

Monday, October 4, 2010

Everyday is a struggle between what I wanna say and what I should keep to myself

"Everyday is a struggle between what I wanna say and what I should keep to myself"
                            -Toby Lightman-

I swore to myself when I started blogging that this was not going to be a blog about the woes that I have for myself, but a positive place to gather all of the positive things about my life, however, there are a few things I need to say help me with cope with the one thing that has been bothering me for quite some time. It might seem a little crazy...but this is me, you get what you get...if you are bored, do not read it. Close the window. I do not care. This post is for me.  I probably should not post this...but oh well. shit happens.

Dear Myself,
       There is something weighing on my mind. For some reason I am finding it hard to say out loud, so it is within these words, that I will find my strength to say it.  I know before I say it, I will sit here, staring at this blank screen before I find the courage to say what I really want to say. I know that what I write down will be the truth and I am more scared of the self realization than actually telling you, but I guess that is all in the same. In some ways you already know what it is I want to say and in other ways, you do not. I know that may sound strange, but there are words fighting to get out and moments where you push everything away so you do not have to deal with the reality of being alone.
       I have known you my whole life. I have watched you go through heartbreak after heartbreak and each time it gets more difficult than the last. You hear people tell you thinks like "it is not you, it is them",  "guys are put off by your strength and confidence", "You know what you want and you can tell within a few minutes that he is not the guy for you, so you move on" or "he is out there and he is going to just sweep you off your feet at any moment".  As it gets more hopeless you feel like that will be the moment you find "him", but instead you find nothing more than your stuffed animal to hold at night.  Instead you come to the realization that "he" does not exist.  It is in this moment that you realize that it is you that is standing in the way of everything. Sure some things can be circumstantial, but how open are you to it all?  This is your biggest insecurity.  You say that you are open to these possibilities, but you open your mouth too soon, you jump the gun.  You are too eager to find that spark that you will not let it ignite.  I know that you do not want to miss an opportunity and you think that you need to let him know how you feel, but honestly, we are not in high school anymore. You need to slow down and just let the wave ride.
       So, now, this is the point where I am suppose to tell you to not give up hope or faith "he is out there. As much as I do not want that to happen, I have to tell you that you have to.  It is not worth your time to be worrying about all of that fairy tale, movie magic crap.  You build yourself up by watching movies and watching romances unfold on television. THIS CRAP IS NOT REAL. It is a screen play. They have writers who tell them what to say and when to save the day. In real life, this does not happen.  So do not expect fireworks every time. Do not be swept off your feet with the next guy who bats his pretty blue eyes at you. Right now, your sole purpose is to focus on yourself and the goals you have set for yourself.  You know as well as I do how you act when a boy pays attention to you.  You loose focus and perspective of who you really are. You begin to dote over this boy, become a hopeless romantic. Then when he does not deliver the same feelings, you try everything you can to make him see that you are suppose to be his "one". You cannot understand how you could feel so deeply for him and for him to just walk away. However, the logical side of you knows that in order for something to work, both parties have to feel the same way.  You try to rationalize these things, when something does not work out, you tell yourself it is going to be okay. The thing is, you have to let yourself hurt, if you do not do this, then you can never truly heal.  Stop hiding behind your work, put yourself out there and be vulnerable
     Every time, you get your hopes up and start dreaming of things before you have the right to. You must make HIM work for it.  You must make him the dreamer.  There is no way for you to know he is all in it unless you let him make a few moves. Stop being the one who opens up first. Leave him with some mystery. If he wants to see you, if he wants to be with you, HE will make it happen, right? HE is out there, he has to be. As much as your heart is hurting and longing for your other half, you have to understand that there is a reason you are waiting.  Not everyone can know what they want like you, you have to give him the chance to make up his mind.  This thought is not instant with men, it takes them a while to commit. Love is hard, it exists, I promise you, but it cannot happen just like that. It will take some time to manifest, just be patient.
      You have to be careful and take your time. Do not rush into anything without thinking it through. Yes, it may be your first impulse to say what is on your mind, what you are thinking, what you are feeling and what you want, but you cannot. No, it will not be mind games by holding these feelings back for a little bit, it is giving everything a chance to manifest into what it is going to be. So hold your breath, be careful in what you say because with the breath you save can be the one thing that saves you from making the same mistake you have already made. Just be wise in your decision because nothing can make up for another broken heart.

*NO! I hate this bull crap. Here is the thing I can write whatever I want to write to try and help myself feel better. This is ridiculous. I am ridiculous. I hate the fact that I am alone. I do not know how to fix it, but I am sick and tired of cuddling with my stuffed animal. I want someone to hold me, to kiss me, to wrap me up in a big huge hug. I do not care how desperate this sounds. I am so frustrated with all of this. I can sit here and write the rest of this corny crap, keep digging down into the bottom of my soul, or I can just tell you all that yes, I did need to get that stuff out, but when it comes down to it. I do not want to be alone anymore. I want to really be loved.*


OOOO DOGGY! It has been a while!

Well guys, it has been quite a while. I really meant to keep this up over the summer, but most of you know that while I am at Blue Lake, my communication skills lack quite a bit! SO, recap of the summer? It will be short, I promise!

Blue Lake was amazing, as usual. I had a pretty good unit of counselors and some interesting camper situations. This summer really helped me grow in ways I was not expecting to, but I guess that is what you get at Blue Lake. It never ceases to amaze me how each summer is incredibly different. I am really glad I went back. I was a little nervous about going back. At first, I was not sure if I made the right decision. I LOVE being with my friends, do not get me wrong, but was I really ready to go through this role a third time? The answer being, yes. As I reflect on the summer, I realize that this is the exact summer I needed.  The friendships I had made in the past summers only grew stronger and I made some exceptionally wonderful new friends.  As a whole, the staff this summer was unbelievable (and that is an understatement).

This summer, felt almost like a test. It was a reality check into what I really want to do and how I would like to go about doing that. I cannot really explain right now what I mean by this, but I do know that I want to build an organization with a camp feel, like Blue Lake. A nonprofit arts camp. Who knows, maybe Blue Lake West really will happen? (haha, right Kelli!?). For now, I still want to go to graduate school. I NEED graduate school. At least that is how I feel right now. No, I do not want to go to graduate school because I feel the need to justify my last 5 1/2 years of schooling by continuing on, but it is to learn more and to work under four of the most influential people I have met(or at least read about).

My mind is all over the place right now. So, for now, I will tell you what has happened since Blue Lake. Well, my move to North Carolina happened! :) I'm here now, sitting in my new apartment in North Raleigh!! YAY! I have a screened in porch that I am going to turn into my studio! It's pretty perfect. It was a crazy move down here and I am not exaggerating at all by saying can ask my dad.  I will spare you all the details though.

I am also working at a portrait studio. I started this past Tuesday and will be going into my second week tomorrow.  It is going really well so far...we will see if I can still say that after our Christmas season...

On my day off, I did not do much. I cleaned up a little bit (there is still stuff EVERYWHERE). I did not really clean that much though. I had a VERY lazy day. I watched season 2 of The Office. Pretty awesome, huh?

I guess the next post will be more positive. I have too much on my mind.

and that is all she wrote...