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Monday, November 29, 2010

Have you ever wondered what it would be like?

In a seemingly perfect world, there is so much that could go wrong, yet so much that can go right.  It is in simple actions, in which words are not necessary.  How you can tell so much from one little off-set glance or a smirk in which the other did not think you saw. Perception is key.  I always say each of us has a choice. A choice to smile at the off-set glance and wave it off as nothing or dwell on why it must be so.  We put so much pressure on what others think and as much as we would like to believe we are our own person, there is a part of us who knows that can never be the whole truth.

We are influenced day in and day out to believe certain things and behave in a certain manner. There are those who go against the standard that was set and those who follow it.  What exactly is said for those who do not adhere to the societal status in which most follow?  Does it make them any less desirable? 

There are many questions and so few truthful answers.  Has it really come to this? I ask myself why have I become so obsessed with what is supposed to be? Nobody really knows what is supposed to be, if it was, then wouldn't it just be that?  I am in the middle of an identity crisis. Not the typical one you would think.  I just feel that no matter what I do at the moment, I will not be satisfied with the outcome.  I am starting to doubt myself and my actions.  The funny thing is, I know what it took for me to get here, but I feel like I am at a standstill. I am just waiting for something to happen when I know I need to go out there and make it happen.  Nothing ever comes to those who waits, it comes to those who go out there and look for it. I know what I am suppose to do, I just do not know how to get there at the moment. 

I start blaming my job as the root of my problems.  Instead, I should be celebrating my job. Even though I am miserable with it right now, it is the one thing that got me down to North Carolina.  I was able to move here right away because of it. I did not have to stay stuck in Michigan any longer because I knew I would be financially stable down here.  Now, it is my job that is stunting my growth.  Sure, it is the holiday season, everyone is busy. However, my job is so exhausting that it is not allowing me to stay healthy and do the things I need to do to improve my dietary needs.  I do not have the energy to exercise or do anything really. I have become a drone and immobilized on my days off. It has taken me three weeks to get just over halfway done with a set of 40 beerrings. My new body of work, the one that I have been so excited to start up, is still sitting in my sketch book, waiting to come to life.  I need a gate to unlock and show me the way. There are pros and cons to everything, however, I just want there to be pros right now, I am sick of the cons.  I need to take care of myself, but how do I do that and still afford the rent?

ahhh, the struggling survival guide of an unhealthy artist. Food for thought.

continue to pay attention, ya never know how long I will stay in this comatose, you all know I never stay in one spot for long.

AC out.

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