Right now, at this late hour of the night, I lie awake while thinking about my fears and what is holding me back. Most importantly, what is holding me back artistically?
It is one o'clock in the morning.
If I were still in art school, I would be knee deep in charcoal or metal shavings, with no sign of stopping. I am an artist. I want to be an artist. I want to be so much more than I am right now.
Of course there are the obvious reasons I am not advancing in my actual body of work, for example, I am broke and I do not have the means for a studio. So what am I doing instead? I am making beerings and painting/designing greeting cards. Where as I am, in fact, being artistic and using my talents for something, I am just not sure I am confident in it actually being art, instead of just being crafty.
I believe I am scared that by making my beerings, that I am not doing my degree justice. I am falsely representing my fellow metalsmiths by making these cold connected, production line earrings. I do not think my friends know what I am actually capable of making and that hurts my feelings. Yet, it is my own doing. I am not making what I could be making. I think I have all these grandiose ideas and then they never become anything but ideas.
I want to preface these next words carefully because I know I am talented, but I feel as though I have let a part of myself down. I feel like I let a piece of you all down. I know I was never, am never and will never be a stereotypical artist, however, a piece of me really wants to be. For example, I rarely drink coffee. I am not a tortured soul. I have a very active social life outside of the artist community. I do shave my legs/armpits and bathe regularly. I eat organic, but only because I was raised that way. I like to dress in current fashions. I am happy with my life. I believe in Jesus Christ Our Lord and He is my savior. I like to take care of my body and I do not smoke anything. I do not starve myself because I am so focused on making my art. PBR is disgusting (not to mention I cannot drink it because of Celiacs). I want to work out. I love pop music AND country. End of Story. I am sure, given more time, I could think of at least one hundred other facts that would label me even more of an outsider in the artist community, but for now, this will have to do.
In undergrad, there was a few of us who branded ourselves, art school outcasts. We just never fit in with the others. Of course we got a long with them, because they were all wonderful people, however, we were not on their list of invites. Looking back, I think that might be a good thing. Or, maybe not. Whichever way it was, I do not wish it different.
I guess I am afraid of not living up to the stereotypical artist. I am afraid that my passion will soon be doused in a vat of water, drowned, because I am too worried about trying to stand up on my own two feet and support myself. I know there is nothing wrong with that, yet part of me wants to throw everything away that I have worked so hard to become and move to a place where all I can do is make things. It is quite a fantasy land, this I know. A place where I have unlimited supplies and I do not have to worry about money or paying the bills or keeping up with people or caring so much. I would like to divulge into myself and become selfish and not have a care in the world. I know I would be absolutely miserable with out human interaction, but sometimes, just sometimes...
Is it wrong to think this way? I have given so much of myself to so many things and in return, I would like just ONE thing. Sometimes, I do not want many things that I am good at, I want just one thing I am great at. I would like more of a focus in life. I would like to not be so self conscious and insecure that I am not up to par. I guess that is how we all feel sometimes, but in the end, we go with the flow, we continue on our journey and do not look back. We cannot focus on what we could have done differently, we must focus on what we can change so that we do not disappoint ourselves in the future.
I must stop. I am digging myself into a hole and I need to quit feeling so sorry for myself, there are far greater people who are worse off than I. Please take this as you must and until next time...
...since you know I never stay in one place for long.