I hate being so dramatic, but for the first time, in a very long time, I feel numb. I find my self staring off into space, zoning out without any thought at all. I just need time.

Hey World. It's been a while.

So much has changed in the past few months. I do not feel like I am me anymore. It is three fourths good and one fourth bad.

And right now, it is going to be about the bad. I feel like I just had my heart ripped right out of my chest. You know when you were little and you had this fancy, romanticized idea of what a family should be? I still had that, up until today. I have known it for a while, but it hit me like a ton of bricks today. I have not talked about it to anyone and nor do I plan to, that is why I am using this medium to vent. I do believe that not many people read this, but that is ok. I write this for me now.

My grandmother has alzheimer's. I first noticed it at my younger cousin's graduation party in 2006, she handed me twenty dollars and told me to put it towards my college fund. As much as I appreciate the extra funds, in that moment, she thought I was thirteen or fourteen years old, when in fact I was twenty.  There have been plenty of small moments where I have noticed it, but the big moments are the ones that hurt the most. This disease is a horrible, horrible thing and it robs them of their memories and takes away a part of them that you never thought would go away.  It hurts their loved ones because they can remember, but those affected cannot.

Let me start with a little back story. My grandma is one of those grandma's who always looks her best. She is prim, proper and eloguent. Her hair is always in the right place, she is always wearing the latest fashions (for grandmother's of course), her house is always neat and tidy and above else, she is always smiling. This was the grandma I knew growing up. She was sassy, she was smart and she loved you for you.  She always had a witty comeback or a snide remark. No matter what she said, you were laughing your butt off in the end. One of her favorite phrases (it was even stitched on a pillow) was "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." It was the only time I ever heard her curse.

For the longest time I have had a very romanticized notion of what my family was.  Of course we had our share of differences, as well as a drug addict uncle who broke up the family. Or that is what I thought.  Yes, of course that did play a huge part into the family's falling out, but it is not the only reason. Today (and in no way, shape or form do I want to blame my parents at all for what I am about to say), I found out that our family was not a real family. They do not care about us anymore. It is almost like a game to see who can go with out contact the longest. I will give it to my aunt, who was married into the family, who tried to involve us to a certain point, but that is about it.  My own father's sister did not even invite us to her son's graduation which was literally forty minutes away from our house...not to mention we did not even know about it. They just do not care.

I feel sorry for them. Sorry that they do not know what real love is, sorry that they never had the relationship I have with my parents. I mean, the only contact my dad gets from his dad is pictures of boobies. His mother doesn't remember him anymore and both of his siblings have abandoned him. And yet, look at my dad. The one good thing that came out of all of this is my father. He is an amazing, wonderful man with the kind of faith, love and support that can move mountains. It hurts my heart that he has had to go through this his whole life and I have only found out about it recently. I give him so much credit for keeping his parents in the good light when he could have casted them aside and just forgot about them. He gave them chance after chance after chance and he will continue to. He will not turn his back on them the way they did him.

This should teach me a lesson, this should show me the way, but I cannot help but close out my heart at this time. The very woman that was holding our family together during all those years (or so I like to think was) is falling apart before our eyes. My grandfather never wanted to be a father, let alone a grandfather, but he did it for her. He smiled his way through all the hugs and kisses; the birthday's and Christmas's. My Uncle is referred to in the family now as "the sperm donor" and my Dad's big sister has a stick so far shoved up her butt that not even the jaws of life could get it out. I had always known this, but they were family and I wanted to think the best of them. I wanted to keep all those memories I have from growing up in a far better world than I could ever imagine, untainted. My mom says to hold those memories dear to me and to not let those go. I want to, I really, really want to, but I am so hurt right now. My heart is broken.

So, now here the question lies, when I go home, do I go visit? In a perfect world, I would turn the other cheek and smile and nod through all of the conversations and listen to everyone talk about the good ol' days. I have been praying for hours, trying to figure out what to do. I do not feel a sense of obligation anymore, but they are family. I am humbled by my father and the way he chooses to deal with this, but I am not him.  I have more recent wounds. It does not matter to my grandfather if I come to visit him either way and my grandma does not know who I am anymore. Is it worth breaking my heart again? If I go, I feel as though I will just be hurting myself even more. As everyone who is anyone who knows me, I over think things, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I take things personally. It is just who I am.  But, if I do not go, what will that do to me?

I have seen the positive portions to all of these things, being of who my father turned out to be against everything that he had gone through and the graciousness I feel that I have been so fortunate to grow up in the world I did. Trust me, I can see the good things in this, but right now, I hurt. My grandparents were not who I thought they were growing up. I feel betrayed and lied to. Like everyone put on a face to protect the children. Why be apart of our lives at all? Was it because it was just the "proper" thing to do? I know they grew up in a world of money, power and social standings, but who are these people that love us just to put on a face? Did they ever care at all?

silly me.

Ever do something and immediately regret it?  Well, guess what just happened.  Yesterday at work, I had to chance to re-read my inspiration for my new body of work "Other People’s Love Letters: 150 Letters You Were Never Meant to See"  by Bill Shapiro. Questioning the aspect of what happens when ones priviate thoughts become public.  A chance to immerse yourself into other peoples lives. Not just their lives, but their very intimate thoughts and feelings. I have always thought that the hand written word was a gesture of unremarkable intimacy and romance. Re-reading these letters gave me a chance to relive my past relationships and the way they sparked through letter writing.  I was deeply moved by all of the letters, yet again. Then I came across this one that I do not recall reading. Or, I read it but it did not stick until now because I was unable to relate to it.

It was a letter written five years after they met. This man, who was taken at the time, decided to write to this woman, who was not the one he was taken with.  I do not know if I am going to be able to do this letter any justice, but the fact of the matter is that out of the blue, he decided that he was to write this woman, whom he had (or so it seemed) not spoken to in five years. He decided to put it all out there and tell her that even though he was with someone else, there was a spark between them and he knew at that moment that she was worth more of his time than the woman he was with.  Yes, this seems sad for the other woman, but in time, they both went their seperate ways, but the thing that bothered him most was the fact that there was this girl who he knew almost nothing about, but five years later was still thinking about.

She wrote back. It so happened that she was single and through a mutual friend, their secret of each others attraction to one another was kept.  All this time, they were feeling the same way about each other, but never said anything until now. Who knows where they are now...maybe they have had multiple children and are happily married on the countryside of some villa.  What I do know and what the story did for me, was let me face another truth of mine. 

So, what did I do, but what I do best. I pulled out my pen and paper and I wrote a letter. A letter in which I will not discuss details, but it recalls a moment in my life in which I have always questioned.  I wrote it as concisely as I could but I feel as though I may have romantisized it a bit. I tend to make more of a sitiuation than it is called for, but I guess that is what most girls do anyways.  After writing the letter, I looked for the address. I actually found it, but silly me, I e-mailed the person to make sure it was the right address and then immediately regreted doing so. With that simple action, I made it more real than what I wanted it to be.  This caused me to think about what I actually did.

Silly me, I wrote a letter to a person who probably does not even remember the event in which I wrote about. All based on what? A silly letter that I read from a book about two other people in which it may or may not have worked out? Then, I realized how crazy it all sounded. Should I countinue to hope that this person disregards my question of an actual address so that I do not have to send it? What if this person does send it back saying yes...this is my address? Must I still send it? I should not have written it in the first place...or if I did, I should not have put it in an envelope, sealed it and put a stamp on it. What am I thinking? These types of things do not happen in real life, not to me at least.

I feel sick to my stomach. How can something like this have such an impact on my life and why must I think of it so often? I feel crazy. Please make it stop.


stay tuned, you know I never stay in one place for long.

AC out.

I Would Not Trade for Anything.

This was part of my senior thesis show...It was from a story my father wrote about my mother and their first date and some things leading up to it. Just an image I found and thought I would share. Take care.

AC Out.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like?

In a seemingly perfect world, there is so much that could go wrong, yet so much that can go right.  It is in simple actions, in which words are not necessary.  How you can tell so much from one little off-set glance or a smirk in which the other did not think you saw. Perception is key.  I always say each of us has a choice. A choice to smile at the off-set glance and wave it off as nothing or dwell on why it must be so.  We put so much pressure on what others think and as much as we would like to believe we are our own person, there is a part of us who knows that can never be the whole truth.

We are influenced day in and day out to believe certain things and behave in a certain manner. There are those who go against the standard that was set and those who follow it.  What exactly is said for those who do not adhere to the societal status in which most follow?  Does it make them any less desirable? 

There are many questions and so few truthful answers.  Has it really come to this? I ask myself why have I become so obsessed with what is supposed to be? Nobody really knows what is supposed to be, if it was, then wouldn't it just be that?  I am in the middle of an identity crisis. Not the typical one you would think.  I just feel that no matter what I do at the moment, I will not be satisfied with the outcome.  I am starting to doubt myself and my actions.  The funny thing is, I know what it took for me to get here, but I feel like I am at a standstill. I am just waiting for something to happen when I know I need to go out there and make it happen.  Nothing ever comes to those who waits, it comes to those who go out there and look for it. I know what I am suppose to do, I just do not know how to get there at the moment. 

I start blaming my job as the root of my problems.  Instead, I should be celebrating my job. Even though I am miserable with it right now, it is the one thing that got me down to North Carolina.  I was able to move here right away because of it. I did not have to stay stuck in Michigan any longer because I knew I would be financially stable down here.  Now, it is my job that is stunting my growth.  Sure, it is the holiday season, everyone is busy. However, my job is so exhausting that it is not allowing me to stay healthy and do the things I need to do to improve my dietary needs.  I do not have the energy to exercise or do anything really. I have become a drone and immobilized on my days off. It has taken me three weeks to get just over halfway done with a set of 40 beerrings. My new body of work, the one that I have been so excited to start up, is still sitting in my sketch book, waiting to come to life.  I need a gate to unlock and show me the way. There are pros and cons to everything, however, I just want there to be pros right now, I am sick of the cons.  I need to take care of myself, but how do I do that and still afford the rent?

ahhh, the struggling survival guide of an unhealthy artist. Food for thought.

continue to pay attention, ya never know how long I will stay in this comatose, you all know I never stay in one spot for long.

AC out.

BABIES!

So, I just got used to the idea that it would be another month until Cappy had her babies (Cappy is my Chinchilla) and on Monday morning, I woke up, said hello to them (I have two...the other's name is Novella), went to the bathroom and when I went to play with them, there were two new additions to the family! :) I do not know if they are boys or girls yet, but i think I am going to go along with the Novella theme and name them after the cabins...or would I name that after short novelists? Either way, one of them will be named after Virgina Woolf and we will be calling it Ginnie and the other will be named after Toni Morrison and call it Morri :) What do you guys think? Feedback? Just look how precious they are! :)

That is all I have for today, folks. Stick around, you know I never stay in one spot for too long.

AC out.

Recycled

This past summer, I made around 60 or so pieces of jewelery for camp.  I wore a new piece everyday and they were all made from found objects. I found new ways to use old things.  I guess that is what I have been focusing on because I do not have a torch or the correct tools to make what I really want to make.  I find it very interesting that throughout my whole career at Grand Valley, GLUE was a four letter word and now that I am out, I use it CONSTANTLY! haha. I know it is horrible and I am loosing some of my technique or credibility or whatever, but they were quick pieces that I used to get my creative juices flowing again.  I guess you could call them sketches. I know earlier, I was talking about how I was not a sketcher, however, I have realized that I 'sketch' in my own way. These photos are two such "sketches". I took apart an old saxophone and created brooches out of them. These two were given as gifts. I will be posting more photos of my pieces as soon as I can, but for now, enjoy these ones! :)


I do not have much more to say right now, but hold on tight because you know I never stay in one spot for long.

AC out.

You know the phrase: "Rome was not built in a day"?

I have been doing a great deal of thinking lately, mostly about my new body of work that I so desperately crave to start working on.  My ideas are solid but my sketches??? Not so much.  I am not the greatest sketcher. I would rather see the ideas in my head and just make it as I work. Which strikes me as a little odd, seeing how I have a detailed plan for everything.  I was speaking with my mom last night and I was getting really frustrated about how I am not where I would like to be with my art.  How I have to wait until I pay my bills to get started on my work. What do I do instead? I sit at my computer and I watch countless hours of mind numbing television.  I tell myself that it is research for my work. I sit here and study relationships; how they develop, how they change; how they start and how they end. Which is half true.  I have decided that my work is about relationships between people. More specifically, about the love that grows within a friendship or a misconstreued idea.  What I have found is that people do not communicate openly.

Not only have I been studying television, but I have also been studying my friends and their relationships with their significant others (because believe you me, it feels like all of my friends are with someone). Weither it be new or old, hot or cold, I have noticed that a very select few of them are truely and actually in an open communicative relationship.  I watch my parents and how they interact after twenty-five years of marriage and it is almost as if they fall in love all over again each and everyday. It is quite amazing.  On the other hand, I am aware of other friends who are suspicious that their honey is not being so faithful or they have doubts about their love to one another. Instead of confronting these concerns, they push them aside as if they would not matter.  I know I am not an expert on this whole "love" thing, but I know a thing or two about proper communication.  I know that if you are not one hundred percent honest with your "someone", then how the hell is anything suppose to be fixed. Are you just going to go on doubting them until you work yourself up so much that you break it off, when it could have been fixed with a few arguements and/or discussions? 

I guess it might just be me, but if I find someone or something is bothering me, I confront it.  I have heard confrontation is scary and hard for most people, but there is a point and time where you need to take control of your life and just go for it. Stand up for yourself and stick to your ground.  If you do not, then it is your fault when the break up happens and if you are in an unhappy relationship (wither it be a blossoming new love or a fifty year marriage) you are sol because YOU did not speak up.  How is anyone suppose to know something is wrong unless you SAY SOMETHING about it!? Stop being passive aggressive and SUCK IT UP CUPCAKE!

There are very few couples that I know in whom I would love to model my relationship after (with whoever the lucky guy ends up being) and for the record, I would just like to give credit to the love birds.  They inspire me and give me hope that love like theirs really does exist and that I am waiting for all the right reasons. So here is my personal thank you.

First and foremost, I thank my mom and dad. They are the reason I am as strong willed and independent as I am.  They taught me to stand on my own two feet before I can lean on someone for more strength and wisdom. 

Next, my Grandma and Grandpa. Six beautiful children, all still married to their first husband (or wife) and almost all happily married, twenty-something grandchildren and four great-grandchildren and still as in love as the first day they met, there is a real rare treat in todays world. 

To Amy and Eric, the crazy love birds who taught me that no matter what, you need to find that person who drives you crazy and pushes you towards your passion and shares it with you, not only that but who will REALLY support you and be there for you in sickness and in health. 

I will never forget the (kind of) newly engaged couple, Cassandra and Dave. (Cassie being my bestest friend). I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to be watching this love blossom and grow.  From the first time Cassie called me to tell me Dave told her he loved her, to all the long talks we now have about their wedding next spring.  They have a rare blessing in today's world, sadly enough. It is my favorite kind, the kind I hope to find.

And to James and Jessica, who deserve eachother more than any two people I have ever met.  To a new couple who just make sense. The smiles I see on their faces when they are talking about one another are priceless and never overrated.

I love you all and I thank you for the inspiration and more importantly, being true to yourselves.  These things will always take time and hard work, but know that every ounce of it is worth it.  Never under estimate the power of love.

Stay tuned because I never stay in one spot for long.

second thoughts

I am having second thoughts about my last post. Should I have really posted that? It seems desperate after reading it again...

Well I am off to work now. I only have a five hour shift, so I shan't be gone long. Maybe when I get back, I will actually work on my letters and try to sketch a few things out in my sketchbook...that is something I have not done in a while. I have SOOOO many ideas for my work now. It is almost ridiculous! A very amazingly wonderful, ridiculous though! :)

Take care my fellow readers. You know I'll never be in one spot for long...

Everyday is a struggle between what I wanna say and what I should keep to myself

"Everyday is a struggle between what I wanna say and what I should keep to myself"
                            -Toby Lightman-

I swore to myself when I started blogging that this was not going to be a blog about the woes that I have for myself, but a positive place to gather all of the positive things about my life, however, there are a few things I need to say help me with cope with the one thing that has been bothering me for quite some time. It might seem a little crazy...but this is me, you get what you get...if you are bored, do not read it. Close the window. I do not care. This post is for me.  I probably should not post this...but oh well. shit happens.


Dear Myself,
       There is something weighing on my mind. For some reason I am finding it hard to say out loud, so it is within these words, that I will find my strength to say it.  I know before I say it, I will sit here, staring at this blank screen before I find the courage to say what I really want to say. I know that what I write down will be the truth and I am more scared of the self realization than actually telling you, but I guess that is all in the same. In some ways you already know what it is I want to say and in other ways, you do not. I know that may sound strange, but there are words fighting to get out and moments where you push everything away so you do not have to deal with the reality of being alone.
       I have known you my whole life. I have watched you go through heartbreak after heartbreak and each time it gets more difficult than the last. You hear people tell you thinks like "it is not you, it is them",  "guys are put off by your strength and confidence", "You know what you want and you can tell within a few minutes that he is not the guy for you, so you move on" or "he is out there and he is going to just sweep you off your feet at any moment".  As it gets more hopeless you feel like that will be the moment you find "him", but instead you find nothing more than your stuffed animal to hold at night.  Instead you come to the realization that "he" does not exist.  It is in this moment that you realize that it is you that is standing in the way of everything. Sure some things can be circumstantial, but how open are you to it all?  This is your biggest insecurity.  You say that you are open to these possibilities, but you open your mouth too soon, you jump the gun.  You are too eager to find that spark that you will not let it ignite.  I know that you do not want to miss an opportunity and you think that you need to let him know how you feel, but honestly, we are not in high school anymore. You need to slow down and just let the wave ride.
       So, now, this is the point where I am suppose to tell you to not give up hope or faith "he is out there. As much as I do not want that to happen, I have to tell you that you have to.  It is not worth your time to be worrying about all of that fairy tale, movie magic crap.  You build yourself up by watching movies and watching romances unfold on television. THIS CRAP IS NOT REAL. It is a screen play. They have writers who tell them what to say and when to save the day. In real life, this does not happen.  So do not expect fireworks every time. Do not be swept off your feet with the next guy who bats his pretty blue eyes at you. Right now, your sole purpose is to focus on yourself and the goals you have set for yourself.  You know as well as I do how you act when a boy pays attention to you.  You loose focus and perspective of who you really are. You begin to dote over this boy, become a hopeless romantic. Then when he does not deliver the same feelings, you try everything you can to make him see that you are suppose to be his "one". You cannot understand how you could feel so deeply for him and for him to just walk away. However, the logical side of you knows that in order for something to work, both parties have to feel the same way.  You try to rationalize these things, when something does not work out, you tell yourself it is going to be okay. The thing is, you have to let yourself hurt, if you do not do this, then you can never truly heal.  Stop hiding behind your work, put yourself out there and be vulnerable
     Every time, you get your hopes up and start dreaming of things before you have the right to. You must make HIM work for it.  You must make him the dreamer.  There is no way for you to know he is all in it unless you let him make a few moves. Stop being the one who opens up first. Leave him with some mystery. If he wants to see you, if he wants to be with you, HE will make it happen, right? HE is out there, he has to be. As much as your heart is hurting and longing for your other half, you have to understand that there is a reason you are waiting.  Not everyone can know what they want like you, you have to give him the chance to make up his mind.  This thought is not instant with men, it takes them a while to commit. Love is hard, it exists, I promise you, but it cannot happen just like that. It will take some time to manifest, just be patient.
      You have to be careful and take your time. Do not rush into anything without thinking it through. Yes, it may be your first impulse to say what is on your mind, what you are thinking, what you are feeling and what you want, but you cannot. No, it will not be mind games by holding these feelings back for a little bit, it is giving everything a chance to manifest into what it is going to be. So hold your breath, be careful in what you say because with the breath you save can be the one thing that saves you from making the same mistake you have already made. Just be wise in your decision because nothing can make up for another broken heart.
      

*NO! I hate this bull crap. Here is the thing I can write whatever I want to write to try and help myself feel better. This is ridiculous. I am ridiculous. I hate the fact that I am alone. I do not know how to fix it, but I am sick and tired of cuddling with my stuffed animal. I want someone to hold me, to kiss me, to wrap me up in a big huge hug. I do not care how desperate this sounds. I am so frustrated with all of this. I can sit here and write the rest of this corny crap, keep digging down into the bottom of my soul, or I can just tell you all that yes, I did need to get that stuff out, but when it comes down to it. I do not want to be alone anymore. I want to really be loved.*



Love,
     Me