It all comes down to that, does it not? Your 'plus one', the pretentious '& guest' and of course the 'and where might your date be?'
When you are not dating someone, it is hard to find a date to a wedding. Especially one that you are standing up in. Do not get me wrong, it is a wonderful honor to be standing up next to the beautiful, blushing bride as she commits her life to one person for eternity. I love all the mushy, gushy stuff. Believe it or not, I am a romantic. However, when you are single and going to a wedding, what are you suppose to do? Who are you suppose to bring?
There is always that awkward "well, there is this really cute guy that I am sort of, kind of in to", but then you do not want to ask him because it is a wedding. I mean, come on, we all know there is an undertone of inviting a guy you are not dating to a wedding, hell, there is an undertone of inviting the guy you are dating. It is almost a catch twenty-two. You want to invite someone because you know you are not going to know anybody else and the few people you do know, already have significant others. Then, you do not want to invite someone because you are standing up in the wedding and he will be forced to sit with people he does not know at the ceremony and then what are you supposed to do with him while you are taking pictures with the wedding party? Then will he be sat with you at the wedding party table? Or will he then have to sit with more people he does not know and wait for your civic duties to be over? Will he then, whisk you away to dance and dance and dance, or just be really annoyed because he was basically arm candy and a safety blanket the whole night?
I just really hate 'plus ones'. I do not know if it is because I am cynical and single or if it is just because I am standing up in too many weddings. Either way, I am uncomfortable with it. People assume that you are dating someone because that is what everyone else is doing. I appreciate the gesture, I really do and I understand why it is there, but is there not more pressure when you are single to find your '&guest' because it is implied that you should have one?
I know I have never been one to completely fold to societal standards (I would have settled a long time ago, if I had), but I am really getting sick of all this 'plus one, & guest' stuff. If you do not have your '& guest', then are you not a prime target for a set up? AND you know we are not all lucky, like in Hitch at the end of the movie when the grandma is choking and the dashing, handsome grandson comes to rescue her, all the while sweeping the young dame off her feet. Maybe it is because I am single, maybe that is my problem.
Ha. Haha. I want to say that I am proud to be who I am, &Guest-less and all, but I really do not want to be sitting down at a table by myself when everyone is dancing to a slow song. Maybe, I just need to be open to meeting someone at the wedding, but is that not kind of sleezy? There is an undertone for that one too...if you know what I mean. I also do not want a pity date either. Just because I am writing this, fellas, does not mean I would like you to up and volunteer to come with me, I would have asked you already if I wanted you to come as my date.
Stupid. Pretentious. & Guest.
stay tuned. I am never in one spot for long.
AC out.
- Alaina Grace
- I'm not settling for anything less than everything. It's not cockiness, it's confidence. This is who I am, take it or leave it.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Life comes at you fast...are you ready for it?
Ever since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to be "growed up". I wanted the fancy apartment (yes, you heard me right, apartment...I have always wanted to be a city girl), the big girl clothes and of course, the successful job that let me travel the world. I am now twenty-six years old and figured, I would have that life by now.
I think people use the phrase "in a blink of an eye" too casually. I know that life comes at you fast and as "growed up" as I wanted to be, that phrase just does not come into my vocabulary (unless you want to count right now...but I am not using it in the context it was intended for, so does that cancel it out?). It has been a long road, but we have to realize that I am ONLY twenty-six years old. I am not suppose to be at that point in my life, where I am ready to settle down or am I?
I guess it just all depends on who you are and what you really want out of life. I look at my life and I realized that I have already done so much. I, then, start to compare myself to others and their accomplishments thus far and how old they were when they reached their "success". However, that is not what is important because we are all on our own path. We all strive for different things and are put into different circumstances because that is who we are and what we are suppose to be. Some people strive to be wives and mothers, others strive for a career and some are just so content with failing, they sit in a hole of despair and thrive on the negativity that their lives are not going anywhere. A lot of people these days strive for the family life AND the career life.Yet, I am none of those people. I am me.
So, the question that arises next is: What do I want to strive for?
It is always a loaded question when it comes to me. In the past, I have always wanted SO much for myself. I was active in sports, dance, art, youth group, a social life and had so many things on my plate at once, I could never decide what my true calling was. I wanted to do this, I wanted to do that and I believed I could do it all. Then, I moved to North Carolina.
Do not get me wrong, it was the best choice I ever made, but I was forced to start over. I did not have the same support system I had in Grand Rapids. I did not have a college classroom to break the ice for new friends, I did not have GVDT (Grand Valley Dance Troupe) to work out my need to dance, there were not the same bars or the same friends and I lived by myself. I have spent the past two years building up relationships here in North Carolina, but my heart has always been in Grand Rapids. I think that NC was the best place for me to be because it taught me SO much about myself and the fact that I can rely on myself. More importantly, it brought me closer to God and with Him on my side and in my heart, I know I cannot fail.
My move helped me narrow down my goals and what I really wanted to do. I moved here for reasons and goals that have now changed into something completely different. Those new reasons and goals are leading me back home, to Grand Rapids. It is completely God lead and I am having an even harder time trying to put into words all the thoughts in my head. It is hard to explain something that is God lead because it is a feeling that you understand if you get it. So, excuse my lack of explanation of what is going through my head at this moment because it is something so amazing and wonderful that I just cannot put into words. I love where I am right now and I am no longer going to put goals on when I need to settle down and have all my fancy "growed up" things, because I love to live my life and that is what I am going to do.
Life does come at you fast and you have to learn to enjoy the ride. If you do not, then you are in for a world of mass confusion and you will miss out on SO many stops along the way (ok, I know that sounds a little cliche and I LOVE to be cliche, so deal with it!).
Ya'll need to stay tuned, you know I am never in one spot for long.
AC out.
I think people use the phrase "in a blink of an eye" too casually. I know that life comes at you fast and as "growed up" as I wanted to be, that phrase just does not come into my vocabulary (unless you want to count right now...but I am not using it in the context it was intended for, so does that cancel it out?). It has been a long road, but we have to realize that I am ONLY twenty-six years old. I am not suppose to be at that point in my life, where I am ready to settle down or am I?
I guess it just all depends on who you are and what you really want out of life. I look at my life and I realized that I have already done so much. I, then, start to compare myself to others and their accomplishments thus far and how old they were when they reached their "success". However, that is not what is important because we are all on our own path. We all strive for different things and are put into different circumstances because that is who we are and what we are suppose to be. Some people strive to be wives and mothers, others strive for a career and some are just so content with failing, they sit in a hole of despair and thrive on the negativity that their lives are not going anywhere. A lot of people these days strive for the family life AND the career life.Yet, I am none of those people. I am me.
So, the question that arises next is: What do I want to strive for?
It is always a loaded question when it comes to me. In the past, I have always wanted SO much for myself. I was active in sports, dance, art, youth group, a social life and had so many things on my plate at once, I could never decide what my true calling was. I wanted to do this, I wanted to do that and I believed I could do it all. Then, I moved to North Carolina.
Do not get me wrong, it was the best choice I ever made, but I was forced to start over. I did not have the same support system I had in Grand Rapids. I did not have a college classroom to break the ice for new friends, I did not have GVDT (Grand Valley Dance Troupe) to work out my need to dance, there were not the same bars or the same friends and I lived by myself. I have spent the past two years building up relationships here in North Carolina, but my heart has always been in Grand Rapids. I think that NC was the best place for me to be because it taught me SO much about myself and the fact that I can rely on myself. More importantly, it brought me closer to God and with Him on my side and in my heart, I know I cannot fail.
My move helped me narrow down my goals and what I really wanted to do. I moved here for reasons and goals that have now changed into something completely different. Those new reasons and goals are leading me back home, to Grand Rapids. It is completely God lead and I am having an even harder time trying to put into words all the thoughts in my head. It is hard to explain something that is God lead because it is a feeling that you understand if you get it. So, excuse my lack of explanation of what is going through my head at this moment because it is something so amazing and wonderful that I just cannot put into words. I love where I am right now and I am no longer going to put goals on when I need to settle down and have all my fancy "growed up" things, because I love to live my life and that is what I am going to do.
Life does come at you fast and you have to learn to enjoy the ride. If you do not, then you are in for a world of mass confusion and you will miss out on SO many stops along the way (ok, I know that sounds a little cliche and I LOVE to be cliche, so deal with it!).
Ya'll need to stay tuned, you know I am never in one spot for long.
AC out.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Worth
What is your worth? What are you living for and who are you living for?
These are questions I ask myself all the time. I feel that no matter what, I will always be asking these questions and always be reevaluating my answers. Here is the thing, everything I have done thus far in my life has been for me. As selfish as that may sound, it is true. When I say that, I mean the big decisions. For example, which college I was going to go to, why I wanted to move to North Carolina and why I am moving back to Michigan. My worth as a person can only continue to grow if I push myself to learn more about who I am and who I want to be.
When I say worth, I do not mean how much money you make, the value of your home or the material objects you own. I mean it as to who you are, what your "usefulness or importance, as to the world, to a person, or for a purpose"* is. What is your character worth? That is the real question.
Your worth is a very broad topic because you can focus on so many different aspects of your life. I know when it all comes down to it, I live my life for Jesus. I live my life on Earth so that I may have eternal life in Heaven. That does not mean I do not sin or question my beliefs from time to time, but I do believe in the Lord God, Heaven and Hell, Creation, Science and all aspects of life. I am not here to judge you or tell you right from wrong. Yes, I am a Christian, but I am no better than person A or person B. We all make big mistakes, we all sin and we all fall. I guess there is one difference, it is that in the fall, I will be caught by God.
Another aspect of worth we can focus on, is who we are. I pride myself on being independent. I make my own choices and I follow my own path. I have never not made a big decision without weighing all of my options, making a list, checking it twice and making sure I have a plan for the follow through. My worth is what I make of it. Sure, I had the chance to go to a different college because my boyfriend was going there, but why make that big of a decision based off a guy? He dumped me the next month anyway, right before the first semester of senior year was over. I have my own big fancy dreams, if the guy was important enough and cared enough, he would have stuck around.
We all want to be loved. Is that not our soul purpose in life? To find that one person we can share our souls with? Sure, I am a romantic and I fall easily when I am attracted to a guy. I am a very passionate person, but I also get ahead of myself a lot. I ruin things and say things that may be misconstrued. I say it because I want to be honest and upfront. It may be a little intimidating and against some kind of rule in "getting to know him 101", but what can I say? I honestly play out every scenario in my head of should-I-wait-or-just-tell-him-now? Sometimes, I am in a catch 22 situation and I just have to go for it, trust my own heart and not let others get inside my head. I feel I do these things and say these things to dig myself into a hole and say "well, if he is worth it, he will stick with it" or "sometimes you just have to let them go and if they come back, they are worth it, YOU are worth it."
It is a silly thing to do, to put your worth into how a guy loves you. It is silly to say things you know he wants to hear and become who you are not, just to impress him. This is another thing I pride myself on and how I measure my worth. I am me. I will not say that I like something just because he does. I will not agree with him just to agree with him. I have my own mind for a reason and I try to speak it, within reason, of course. If I do not know something, I will admit it. I do not like to play games and I do not like to make decisions based off of a crush or a relationship. I want to do what is right for me, first. Of course, if there was someone special, I would want him to stick around, but in the end, it has to be for me. Who I am and who I want to be, should impress him and make him want to be with me more, rather than scare him away. However, I do have to learn patience because I know sometimes, people just need time to adjust to who I am.
So what is your worth? I ask you this because I want you (and excuse this cheesy and cliche line) look inside yourself and figure it out. We as people, need to stick together. We can only go as far as we are worth and what we are worth has unlimited possibilities because we can achieve anything that we want.
New Mantra, say this to yourself every day. Your own mindset and who you believe you are is everything:
I am not weak.
I am not intimidated easily.
I am not ready to back down from a fight.
I am strong.
I am independent.
I am worth it.
Stay tuned, you know I am never in one spot for long
AC out.
*pulled from the definition worth from dictionary.com
These are questions I ask myself all the time. I feel that no matter what, I will always be asking these questions and always be reevaluating my answers. Here is the thing, everything I have done thus far in my life has been for me. As selfish as that may sound, it is true. When I say that, I mean the big decisions. For example, which college I was going to go to, why I wanted to move to North Carolina and why I am moving back to Michigan. My worth as a person can only continue to grow if I push myself to learn more about who I am and who I want to be.
When I say worth, I do not mean how much money you make, the value of your home or the material objects you own. I mean it as to who you are, what your "usefulness or importance, as to the world, to a person, or for a purpose"* is. What is your character worth? That is the real question.
Your worth is a very broad topic because you can focus on so many different aspects of your life. I know when it all comes down to it, I live my life for Jesus. I live my life on Earth so that I may have eternal life in Heaven. That does not mean I do not sin or question my beliefs from time to time, but I do believe in the Lord God, Heaven and Hell, Creation, Science and all aspects of life. I am not here to judge you or tell you right from wrong. Yes, I am a Christian, but I am no better than person A or person B. We all make big mistakes, we all sin and we all fall. I guess there is one difference, it is that in the fall, I will be caught by God.
Another aspect of worth we can focus on, is who we are. I pride myself on being independent. I make my own choices and I follow my own path. I have never not made a big decision without weighing all of my options, making a list, checking it twice and making sure I have a plan for the follow through. My worth is what I make of it. Sure, I had the chance to go to a different college because my boyfriend was going there, but why make that big of a decision based off a guy? He dumped me the next month anyway, right before the first semester of senior year was over. I have my own big fancy dreams, if the guy was important enough and cared enough, he would have stuck around.
We all want to be loved. Is that not our soul purpose in life? To find that one person we can share our souls with? Sure, I am a romantic and I fall easily when I am attracted to a guy. I am a very passionate person, but I also get ahead of myself a lot. I ruin things and say things that may be misconstrued. I say it because I want to be honest and upfront. It may be a little intimidating and against some kind of rule in "getting to know him 101", but what can I say? I honestly play out every scenario in my head of should-I-wait-or-just-tell-him-now? Sometimes, I am in a catch 22 situation and I just have to go for it, trust my own heart and not let others get inside my head. I feel I do these things and say these things to dig myself into a hole and say "well, if he is worth it, he will stick with it" or "sometimes you just have to let them go and if they come back, they are worth it, YOU are worth it."
It is a silly thing to do, to put your worth into how a guy loves you. It is silly to say things you know he wants to hear and become who you are not, just to impress him. This is another thing I pride myself on and how I measure my worth. I am me. I will not say that I like something just because he does. I will not agree with him just to agree with him. I have my own mind for a reason and I try to speak it, within reason, of course. If I do not know something, I will admit it. I do not like to play games and I do not like to make decisions based off of a crush or a relationship. I want to do what is right for me, first. Of course, if there was someone special, I would want him to stick around, but in the end, it has to be for me. Who I am and who I want to be, should impress him and make him want to be with me more, rather than scare him away. However, I do have to learn patience because I know sometimes, people just need time to adjust to who I am.
So what is your worth? I ask you this because I want you (and excuse this cheesy and cliche line) look inside yourself and figure it out. We as people, need to stick together. We can only go as far as we are worth and what we are worth has unlimited possibilities because we can achieve anything that we want.
New Mantra, say this to yourself every day. Your own mindset and who you believe you are is everything:
I am not weak.
I am not intimidated easily.
I am not ready to back down from a fight.
I am strong.
I am independent.
I am worth it.
Stay tuned, you know I am never in one spot for long
AC out.
*pulled from the definition worth from dictionary.com
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
To make Personal and Obtainable Goals, NOT New Year Resolutions
As I discussed in a previous entry, I made a few New Year Resolutions. I have decided to call them "Personal and Obtainable Goals" instead. Yes, this is a new year and I want to change, however, 6 months from now, are they still supposed to be called New Year Resolutions??
Anyway, here are a list of my perfectly obtainable goals:
-Trust in God and myself more
-Let go and let God
-Be more patient when it comes to matters of the heart
-Become more confident when I speak
-Stop apologizing for unnecessary reasons
-Become more organized (even if it is organized chaos, it has to be better than what I am living in right now!)
-Take smaller steps with bigger issues
-Stop biting my nails
-Run 3 miles by March
-135
-Apply and get into GV for their MPA program
-Write more
-Read more (I am open to suggestions, please!!)
-Finish art projects and VERY belated presents
-Get my right and left splits back
-FINALLY get my middle splits
-Finish FAFSA
It is a long list, but I feel that I will be able to accomplish all of them. I do not need them to all happen in one year, but I would like to see most of these happen! They are all written on my mirror in my bathroom and as I start crossing things off, I hope to add more. That way I am always growing in different ways. I want to challenge myself this year and for the rest of my life. I no longer want to let my best be OK. I want my best to be my best. It is like a wise woman once said "I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything" (thank you Jennifer Nettles of Sugarland...that is right, I did just quote a country song).
So, look out world, one way or another, I am becoming a new and improved version of the old me! Ya'll know I never stay in one place for long!!
AC out.
Anyway, here are a list of my perfectly obtainable goals:
-Trust in God and myself more
-Let go and let God
-Be more patient when it comes to matters of the heart
-Become more confident when I speak
-Stop apologizing for unnecessary reasons
-Become more organized (even if it is organized chaos, it has to be better than what I am living in right now!)
-Take smaller steps with bigger issues
-Stop biting my nails
-Run 3 miles by March
-135
-Apply and get into GV for their MPA program
-Write more
-Read more (I am open to suggestions, please!!)
-Finish art projects and VERY belated presents
-Get my right and left splits back
-FINALLY get my middle splits
-Finish FAFSA
It is a long list, but I feel that I will be able to accomplish all of them. I do not need them to all happen in one year, but I would like to see most of these happen! They are all written on my mirror in my bathroom and as I start crossing things off, I hope to add more. That way I am always growing in different ways. I want to challenge myself this year and for the rest of my life. I no longer want to let my best be OK. I want my best to be my best. It is like a wise woman once said "I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything" (thank you Jennifer Nettles of Sugarland...that is right, I did just quote a country song).
So, look out world, one way or another, I am becoming a new and improved version of the old me! Ya'll know I never stay in one place for long!!
AC out.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
take me back to that place
I have this reoccurring dream, it is always a little different each time, but it always happens at the same house. When I was growing up, my grandparents had a cottage on an Island near Petosky. It is my favorite place in the whole world. I can still remember every little detail about that place. Maybe, that is why I dream about it so often. There is a calming feeling that comes along with the cottage, it is surreal when I think about it now, but I still feel like I am there when I close my eyes and remember.
This time, when I dreamt of the cottage, there was someone with me. We were wandering through the house and I was showing them around. I wish I could remember who it was, but for the life of me, I cannot. We were upstairs in the bedroom on the right. Instead of four beds, there were about 8 or so. I was standing on the bed, peering out the window onto the lake and it was winter. It looked like my cousins were trying to ski down the slope (in real life, there is no slope). They were goofing off, so we went to explore the house a little more.
The house is always larger in my dreams than real life and in my dreams, there are secret passages and those passages lead to secret rooms. Sometimes the room is filled with books and a desk, like a study in a library, or one that looks like it could be from Beauty and the Beast. Sometimes there are staircases that lead no where, like a maze and you have to retrace your steps to figure out how to get to the next doorway.
One time the stairs lead to a huge waterfall where people were riding horses to the top and then jumping off, still on the horses. As long as one stayed on the horses, they would not go under water because of course, the horses could walk on water. There are other times where I am alone and I am searching for something. I never obtain it though.
This time, I kept jumping from staircase to staircase, in search of something. I am not quite sure what it was. After a while, my friend left me and I continued on the search all by myself. I want to say that in the end I find whatever it was that I was looking for, but I cannot. These dreams are quite troublesome.
The cottage was always a wonderful and glorious place. We were able to escape our lives for a weekend or longer. Out there, there was a limit to the amount of TV channels you got and when I was growing up, we did not have facebook, twitter or pinterest, let alone internet. It was glorious. Those were the times! We had family game night, danced around to Queen, Kylee Manoge and The Beatles, we practically lived in the lake, whether it was fishing, swimming, boating or skinny dipping in the summer or ice skating in the winter, it was whatever we made it out to be. We went hiking and exploring; sledding and built so many snow forts, I have definitely lost count.
I usually like dreaming about it for a little while because in that one split moment, I am back where everything makes sense. I have escaped to a wonderland. Then, the dream starts to get weird and I do not know what to make of it anymore. As the day goes by, I start to loose more and more of my memory. I always dwell on the dream the next day. I cannot help it.
A lot of the times, I remember bits and pieces of the dream. However, most of the times, they are bits that I am too embarrassed to talk about.
stay tuned. You know I am never in one spot for long.
AC out.
This time, when I dreamt of the cottage, there was someone with me. We were wandering through the house and I was showing them around. I wish I could remember who it was, but for the life of me, I cannot. We were upstairs in the bedroom on the right. Instead of four beds, there were about 8 or so. I was standing on the bed, peering out the window onto the lake and it was winter. It looked like my cousins were trying to ski down the slope (in real life, there is no slope). They were goofing off, so we went to explore the house a little more.
The house is always larger in my dreams than real life and in my dreams, there are secret passages and those passages lead to secret rooms. Sometimes the room is filled with books and a desk, like a study in a library, or one that looks like it could be from Beauty and the Beast. Sometimes there are staircases that lead no where, like a maze and you have to retrace your steps to figure out how to get to the next doorway.
One time the stairs lead to a huge waterfall where people were riding horses to the top and then jumping off, still on the horses. As long as one stayed on the horses, they would not go under water because of course, the horses could walk on water. There are other times where I am alone and I am searching for something. I never obtain it though.
This time, I kept jumping from staircase to staircase, in search of something. I am not quite sure what it was. After a while, my friend left me and I continued on the search all by myself. I want to say that in the end I find whatever it was that I was looking for, but I cannot. These dreams are quite troublesome.
The cottage was always a wonderful and glorious place. We were able to escape our lives for a weekend or longer. Out there, there was a limit to the amount of TV channels you got and when I was growing up, we did not have facebook, twitter or pinterest, let alone internet. It was glorious. Those were the times! We had family game night, danced around to Queen, Kylee Manoge and The Beatles, we practically lived in the lake, whether it was fishing, swimming, boating or skinny dipping in the summer or ice skating in the winter, it was whatever we made it out to be. We went hiking and exploring; sledding and built so many snow forts, I have definitely lost count.
I usually like dreaming about it for a little while because in that one split moment, I am back where everything makes sense. I have escaped to a wonderland. Then, the dream starts to get weird and I do not know what to make of it anymore. As the day goes by, I start to loose more and more of my memory. I always dwell on the dream the next day. I cannot help it.
A lot of the times, I remember bits and pieces of the dream. However, most of the times, they are bits that I am too embarrassed to talk about.
stay tuned. You know I am never in one spot for long.
AC out.
Friday, January 20, 2012
It never rains when you want it too...
As much as I do not like storms or being caught outside in the rain, for wearing wet clothes is one of my biggest pet peeves (especially wet socks), there is more than just a literal antidote with the cleansing of rain. It is more of a metaphorical meaning. Not in the sense of "it washes away the *insert emotion here* of the day before", but in the fact that after a rain, there is a clarity that we would not have seen without said rain.
Sometimes things happen to us to show us what we really need and somethings happen to show us what we want, but do not need just yet. There is no shame in wanting something, unless that thing is something you are forcing. It is always good to take a step back and see everything from a different perspective. In art, it could be because you have a skewed perspective or the wrong composition. When you are able to take a step back and look at what you are trying to create, you give yourself a different angle, a new outlook. You can rearrange things and adjust your angle. Then when you take that step back in to continue your work, you have changed your approach. This new approach will give you something to work towards and live up to, but only if that is what you really want. Art can not be forced, it must be created with passion, hard work, consistency and love. You have to be open to what it is ready to give and ready to learn.
Every now and again, you will ask another fellow artist to take a look. You would like a critique, a whole new set of eyes to tell you that what you are doing is brilliant, exciting, new and innovative and of course, never been done before. However, they may not always say what you WANT to hear. They will definitely give you a new perspective because their minds work completely different than yours. Of course, they will try to understand what you are doing and they may go along with your explanation, but in the end, they are going to see what they want to see and say what they want to say. You cannot control someones thoughts just like you cannot control their words, but what you can control is your reaction to such statements. Try to be open to their, hopefully, constructive criticism. Take their suggestions to mind but remember to always follow your heart.
In art, we express ourselves figuratively, emotionally, literally and metaphorically (along with many more 'allys I am sure), but one thing we do not do is bring false pretenses to our work. (Unless of course, we do it on purpose, then that is a whole different matter entirely...). We are constantly changing our minds on how the final piece should look and flow. We know that sometimes, the best thing is to just let it be, walk away from it for a little bit and then in our own time, come back to it.
We are artists, even though we will tell you we are not dramatic, we are. It is because we are passionate, that we are dramatic. We are in touch with our emotions because they are those we are trying to share with the world. We, (and I should really just start using I, because, lets get real, it is ME who I am talking about here...), I am going to continue to be who I am and express myself with as much honesty and passion that I can. I am creating new work everyday and I do, what I feel, is best for me. It is "me" who I have to look out for and even though I do seek the constructive criticism of all of you, I have to remember to not let that influence what is in my heart so much that I loose sight of what I want.
And like I said previously, it may be what I want, just not what I need right now. So, I am stepping away from art for a while, in a bit, I will come back to it. I trust that it will always be there for me in some way, shape or form. I want to focus on the tasks I have at hand to get myself back to Grand Rapids, to where I am being called. There, I will start creating again and I know I can count on my art to be just as fabulous as before.
Stay tuned, folks, for you know, I am never in one spot for long.
AC out.
Sometimes things happen to us to show us what we really need and somethings happen to show us what we want, but do not need just yet. There is no shame in wanting something, unless that thing is something you are forcing. It is always good to take a step back and see everything from a different perspective. In art, it could be because you have a skewed perspective or the wrong composition. When you are able to take a step back and look at what you are trying to create, you give yourself a different angle, a new outlook. You can rearrange things and adjust your angle. Then when you take that step back in to continue your work, you have changed your approach. This new approach will give you something to work towards and live up to, but only if that is what you really want. Art can not be forced, it must be created with passion, hard work, consistency and love. You have to be open to what it is ready to give and ready to learn.
Every now and again, you will ask another fellow artist to take a look. You would like a critique, a whole new set of eyes to tell you that what you are doing is brilliant, exciting, new and innovative and of course, never been done before. However, they may not always say what you WANT to hear. They will definitely give you a new perspective because their minds work completely different than yours. Of course, they will try to understand what you are doing and they may go along with your explanation, but in the end, they are going to see what they want to see and say what they want to say. You cannot control someones thoughts just like you cannot control their words, but what you can control is your reaction to such statements. Try to be open to their, hopefully, constructive criticism. Take their suggestions to mind but remember to always follow your heart.
In art, we express ourselves figuratively, emotionally, literally and metaphorically (along with many more 'allys I am sure), but one thing we do not do is bring false pretenses to our work. (Unless of course, we do it on purpose, then that is a whole different matter entirely...). We are constantly changing our minds on how the final piece should look and flow. We know that sometimes, the best thing is to just let it be, walk away from it for a little bit and then in our own time, come back to it.
We are artists, even though we will tell you we are not dramatic, we are. It is because we are passionate, that we are dramatic. We are in touch with our emotions because they are those we are trying to share with the world. We, (and I should really just start using I, because, lets get real, it is ME who I am talking about here...), I am going to continue to be who I am and express myself with as much honesty and passion that I can. I am creating new work everyday and I do, what I feel, is best for me. It is "me" who I have to look out for and even though I do seek the constructive criticism of all of you, I have to remember to not let that influence what is in my heart so much that I loose sight of what I want.
And like I said previously, it may be what I want, just not what I need right now. So, I am stepping away from art for a while, in a bit, I will come back to it. I trust that it will always be there for me in some way, shape or form. I want to focus on the tasks I have at hand to get myself back to Grand Rapids, to where I am being called. There, I will start creating again and I know I can count on my art to be just as fabulous as before.
Stay tuned, folks, for you know, I am never in one spot for long.
AC out.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
It always happens when you least expect it...
Dear Friends, Fellow Blogger's and people who don't know me and are reading this,
I am determined to have the most positive outlook I can and let me tell you, so far, 2012 has been a GREAT year. Yes, I know that it has only been 18 days, but everything that has happened to me within those 18 days, even the bad, has shown me that as long as you keep your head up and continue to truck on, nothing can go wrong.
It's all about being proactive, not reactive (right, Adrian Cook!?!?). Ha. There are many things that I have learned at camp, but none of them have stuck with me quite like being proactive. Sometimes I may be a little too proactive, but who can blame me? I just go after the things I want.
I have recently come into a lot of happenstance circumstances. With everything working out the way it has, I have become so energized and I am determined to make that last. Not only that, but for the first time in my 26 years of life, I have WRITTEN down my New Years Resolutions. Normally, I don't make them, but this year, I want to improve on my way of life and I am choosing to better myself. Nobody is going to do it for me, so I am the one who has to start somewhere. I heard somewhere that most people don't make New Year's resolutions because they "know" they won't stick with them. Yet, the people that do, about 50% of them give up within the first two weeks and then the rest slowly tapper off as well (do not quote me on any of the above information, I heard it a while ago and probably made up the 50% ratio...I believe it's higher, actually...but maybe not).
This will not be me. I have a list of my resolutions on my mirror. I wrote right on the mirror. That way I have to look at it EVERYDAY when I wake up and for light reading when I need it...
I feel so much better already. It is amazing what a "for real" positive attitude and some self motivation can do for a person. I have something to work towards now. Not that I didn't before, but now, it's real and I'm making it happen. Before, I think I was sitting on it because I was afraid of failure. Here is the thing though, I don't know if you know this, but nobody knows what the future holds. Sorry to burst your bubble! Ha. I know people say failure is "not an option", but when we fail, we learn from our mistakes. So maybe, in small ways, I will practice failure, that way I'll know what to do when if it ever becomes a big deal.
I think even though we, as people, know that we cannot tell the future, we still have some sort of glimmer or hope that the fortune tellers we call late at night, when nobody is around or that horoscope app you added to your iPhone, really will tell us when we'll find true love, get a promotion or find success in our newest weight loss program. Truth is, people, our life is what WE make of it. I believe in God, the Almighty and I love Jesus. I believe that He has planned out my life, but there is only so much that He can do. At the end of the day, I am the one making the decisions in my life, I just have to make sure that they are with good intentions and I am following His guidance. God gave us free will for a reason. We can sit here and curse Him all we want, even if one does not believe in him. We think that "if there was a God", then he wouldn't let bad things happen. The fact of the matter is, He gave us free will and what we do with that is up to us. The question is, what do you do when those bad things happen and can you continue? Will you continue? You have to make the choice, you can either let this bad thing consume you, or you can do something about it and continue.
What you do, who you are and what you think are your own. Don't EVER let anyone take that away from you, but remember: Hold yourself responsible for your choices. You have nobody to blame but yourself if you fail or succeed. So choose to go on and choose to be the best person you can be. Seek council from friends, but remember you are the one who will have to make the final decision and make sure you are making it for yourself and no one else. Nobody can MAKE you do anything. You have the choice.
I don't mean to sound all preach-y, but the number one thing I am learning (even though my Dad has been telling me this since I was a wee, little one), is that we have a choice in EVERYTHING we do. We can decided to fight or we can decide to let go. Sure there are situations where it may not look like we have a choice, but if you really think about it, you will find a way to make a choice.
I am saying all of this because of the choices I am making, I want to make for the better, but sometimes, that just doesn't happen. It is what I am deciding to do after the fact and how I choose to help myself. Not often, but every once in a while, I let my friends influence my decision so much that I don't go with my gut. I know they are all looking out for me and their opinions are very important to me, however this time, I let them take me over. This wasn't a HUGE mistake, but it made me question some things and I hesitated. When I hesitate, I don't seem confident in my end decision. For that, I apologize. Yes, I went against what everyone was telling me not to do, but I wanted to do it. In the end, I should have been confident to know that it would all turn out OK and to go with my gut and tell you. It's not a decision that should change anything, now that I think about it all, but I believe it makes things a little more real. So, now I have to deal with that too.
Everything happens when you least expect it...or does it? I think you have to set goals and go after them. Along the way, things will happen that will surprise you and things will happen that you won't be expecting, but that is the beauty of life and things will happen no matter what you do, so you might as well make them positive.
Good Luck to you all and I will be posting every New Years Resolution I have, on this blog, so I can be held even more accountable than before. Make them known and then celebrate when the short-term ones happen and continue improving on the other long term goals. It's going to happen, ladies and gentlemen and it's going to be a GREAT year!
Make sure you stay tuned, for as you all know, I'm never in one spot for long...
AC out.
I am determined to have the most positive outlook I can and let me tell you, so far, 2012 has been a GREAT year. Yes, I know that it has only been 18 days, but everything that has happened to me within those 18 days, even the bad, has shown me that as long as you keep your head up and continue to truck on, nothing can go wrong.
It's all about being proactive, not reactive (right, Adrian Cook!?!?). Ha. There are many things that I have learned at camp, but none of them have stuck with me quite like being proactive. Sometimes I may be a little too proactive, but who can blame me? I just go after the things I want.
I have recently come into a lot of happenstance circumstances. With everything working out the way it has, I have become so energized and I am determined to make that last. Not only that, but for the first time in my 26 years of life, I have WRITTEN down my New Years Resolutions. Normally, I don't make them, but this year, I want to improve on my way of life and I am choosing to better myself. Nobody is going to do it for me, so I am the one who has to start somewhere. I heard somewhere that most people don't make New Year's resolutions because they "know" they won't stick with them. Yet, the people that do, about 50% of them give up within the first two weeks and then the rest slowly tapper off as well (do not quote me on any of the above information, I heard it a while ago and probably made up the 50% ratio...I believe it's higher, actually...but maybe not).
This will not be me. I have a list of my resolutions on my mirror. I wrote right on the mirror. That way I have to look at it EVERYDAY when I wake up and for light reading when I need it...
I feel so much better already. It is amazing what a "for real" positive attitude and some self motivation can do for a person. I have something to work towards now. Not that I didn't before, but now, it's real and I'm making it happen. Before, I think I was sitting on it because I was afraid of failure. Here is the thing though, I don't know if you know this, but nobody knows what the future holds. Sorry to burst your bubble! Ha. I know people say failure is "not an option", but when we fail, we learn from our mistakes. So maybe, in small ways, I will practice failure, that way I'll know what to do when if it ever becomes a big deal.
I think even though we, as people, know that we cannot tell the future, we still have some sort of glimmer or hope that the fortune tellers we call late at night, when nobody is around or that horoscope app you added to your iPhone, really will tell us when we'll find true love, get a promotion or find success in our newest weight loss program. Truth is, people, our life is what WE make of it. I believe in God, the Almighty and I love Jesus. I believe that He has planned out my life, but there is only so much that He can do. At the end of the day, I am the one making the decisions in my life, I just have to make sure that they are with good intentions and I am following His guidance. God gave us free will for a reason. We can sit here and curse Him all we want, even if one does not believe in him. We think that "if there was a God", then he wouldn't let bad things happen. The fact of the matter is, He gave us free will and what we do with that is up to us. The question is, what do you do when those bad things happen and can you continue? Will you continue? You have to make the choice, you can either let this bad thing consume you, or you can do something about it and continue.
What you do, who you are and what you think are your own. Don't EVER let anyone take that away from you, but remember: Hold yourself responsible for your choices. You have nobody to blame but yourself if you fail or succeed. So choose to go on and choose to be the best person you can be. Seek council from friends, but remember you are the one who will have to make the final decision and make sure you are making it for yourself and no one else. Nobody can MAKE you do anything. You have the choice.
I don't mean to sound all preach-y, but the number one thing I am learning (even though my Dad has been telling me this since I was a wee, little one), is that we have a choice in EVERYTHING we do. We can decided to fight or we can decide to let go. Sure there are situations where it may not look like we have a choice, but if you really think about it, you will find a way to make a choice.
I am saying all of this because of the choices I am making, I want to make for the better, but sometimes, that just doesn't happen. It is what I am deciding to do after the fact and how I choose to help myself. Not often, but every once in a while, I let my friends influence my decision so much that I don't go with my gut. I know they are all looking out for me and their opinions are very important to me, however this time, I let them take me over. This wasn't a HUGE mistake, but it made me question some things and I hesitated. When I hesitate, I don't seem confident in my end decision. For that, I apologize. Yes, I went against what everyone was telling me not to do, but I wanted to do it. In the end, I should have been confident to know that it would all turn out OK and to go with my gut and tell you. It's not a decision that should change anything, now that I think about it all, but I believe it makes things a little more real. So, now I have to deal with that too.
Everything happens when you least expect it...or does it? I think you have to set goals and go after them. Along the way, things will happen that will surprise you and things will happen that you won't be expecting, but that is the beauty of life and things will happen no matter what you do, so you might as well make them positive.
Good Luck to you all and I will be posting every New Years Resolution I have, on this blog, so I can be held even more accountable than before. Make them known and then celebrate when the short-term ones happen and continue improving on the other long term goals. It's going to happen, ladies and gentlemen and it's going to be a GREAT year!
Make sure you stay tuned, for as you all know, I'm never in one spot for long...
AC out.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
BIG LIFE UPDATE!!!
Ok, guys, I am completely re-formatting my blog and I'm making a conscious effort to write more and not just updates on my life, but writing more for me. I was inspired by a few friends and I'm going to do it! BUT I do have a BIG life update for everyone, so, please, please, please read to the bottom and hang out a while! It'll be a good time! (and Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to you all!)
This is the best way I figured I could let everyone know and that way, I don't really have to explain it a MILLION times!!
I have a big life update for you all and I decided this would be the best way to reach you! (also, I know some of you know this already, but you're going to hear this twice! Deal with it! haha). Since the beginning of the year (yes, it's only been two weeks) I have bee feverishly working to find a way to come back to Grand Rapids. I was in a bit of a car accident on my drive back down here (North Carolina) after Christmas and it put a lot of things into perspective for me. I am 100% healthy and I walked away with out a scratch, but I shouldn't have. Then, a few days later a blue lake family member, was tragically killed in a car accident. The loss of Nick, really shook me up. We weren't really close, but the fact (and not to sound selfish or dramatic) that he lost his life and mine was saved, really made me think about what I was doing and why I wasn't going after what I really wanted in life. Again, I know we weren't close, but he was apart of my Blue Lake Family and I want to honor his life by getting off of my butt and doing SOMETHING because I was given a second chance. I know a lot of my other friends were really close to him and I want to offer my sincerest condolences to his family and all of his friends.
Everything that has happened has given me a lot of things to think about and even though I really like it here in NC, and I feel that it was the right move to make at the time, I have found that I might have put some things on hold with out realizing it. I looked at what I really wanted to do with my life and I have decided to go back to school for Arts Administration. I want to be able to help others and I believe I can do that through art and creating a facility for people to express themselves. It turns out that North Carolina has programs for dance, theatre and music administration, but no visual arts programs! So, I went on a search and low and behold, they have a program like that at Grand Valley, my alma matter...so here is the next part of my story:
I was planning on starting the Masters of Public Administration program in the fall and have been working on an application for that. This decision has not changed, however it won't be in the Fall. In talking with the dean of the Public Admin program, we figured out what the best course of action would be for me because I don't have actual, professional experience, which is one of the requirements (unless you have an undergrad degree in PA). With that being said, I have re-enrolled in Grand Valley for the Fall of 2012 to take a few upper level undergraduate courses in the following: Leadership Dynamics, Public Administration, Grant Writing and Voluntarism & Nonprofit sector. These classes will give me the background that I do not have at the moment to have a fighting chance in the program. He said that I pretty much needed a 4.0 and I would have a shot at the MPA program. It has become a very competitive program and I am going to need time to show them that I am the best person to admit to the school.
So, this is what I am going to do. I plan on moving back to MI mid-may. I have a friend's place I can stay at in K-zoo for a few weeks, but I am planning on being in GR for all the summer art happenings and to do whatever I can to get myself familiar again with the GR scene! [:)] I have my job back catering and bar tending at the Gardens and my start date with them is June 1st. I also will be going back to blue lake for 5 days to help prepare the Art Colony for the summer program (with Heidi's approval, of course). I plan on diving into volunteering with every opportunity that comes across my lap. Then in the Fall, I will be starting classes again and working my butt off. I am determined to make this work. It is what I want to do, plain and simple. (ALSO, another really awesome thing, there is no record with GV that I ever moved out of state, so I will be getting in-state tuition!!!)
I'm really pumped and I can't wait to start this new chapter in my life back in Grand Rapids!!! Deep down, I've always known that I would end up back there...
Everything fell into place so seamlessly, that I know it is God's plan for me. I can't wait to be closer to family and friends and continue on in my journey.
Thanks for reading to the bottom! I'm sad to be leaving NC, but I'm really excited for what is in store for me!!
I have a big life update for you all and I decided this would be the best way to reach you! (also, I know some of you know this already, but you're going to hear this twice! Deal with it! haha). Since the beginning of the year (yes, it's only been two weeks) I have bee feverishly working to find a way to come back to Grand Rapids. I was in a bit of a car accident on my drive back down here (North Carolina) after Christmas and it put a lot of things into perspective for me. I am 100% healthy and I walked away with out a scratch, but I shouldn't have. Then, a few days later a blue lake family member, was tragically killed in a car accident. The loss of Nick, really shook me up. We weren't really close, but the fact (and not to sound selfish or dramatic) that he lost his life and mine was saved, really made me think about what I was doing and why I wasn't going after what I really wanted in life. Again, I know we weren't close, but he was apart of my Blue Lake Family and I want to honor his life by getting off of my butt and doing SOMETHING because I was given a second chance. I know a lot of my other friends were really close to him and I want to offer my sincerest condolences to his family and all of his friends.
Everything that has happened has given me a lot of things to think about and even though I really like it here in NC, and I feel that it was the right move to make at the time, I have found that I might have put some things on hold with out realizing it. I looked at what I really wanted to do with my life and I have decided to go back to school for Arts Administration. I want to be able to help others and I believe I can do that through art and creating a facility for people to express themselves. It turns out that North Carolina has programs for dance, theatre and music administration, but no visual arts programs! So, I went on a search and low and behold, they have a program like that at Grand Valley, my alma matter...so here is the next part of my story:
I was planning on starting the Masters of Public Administration program in the fall and have been working on an application for that. This decision has not changed, however it won't be in the Fall. In talking with the dean of the Public Admin program, we figured out what the best course of action would be for me because I don't have actual, professional experience, which is one of the requirements (unless you have an undergrad degree in PA). With that being said, I have re-enrolled in Grand Valley for the Fall of 2012 to take a few upper level undergraduate courses in the following: Leadership Dynamics, Public Administration, Grant Writing and Voluntarism & Nonprofit sector. These classes will give me the background that I do not have at the moment to have a fighting chance in the program. He said that I pretty much needed a 4.0 and I would have a shot at the MPA program. It has become a very competitive program and I am going to need time to show them that I am the best person to admit to the school.
So, this is what I am going to do. I plan on moving back to MI mid-may. I have a friend's place I can stay at in K-zoo for a few weeks, but I am planning on being in GR for all the summer art happenings and to do whatever I can to get myself familiar again with the GR scene! [:)] I have my job back catering and bar tending at the Gardens and my start date with them is June 1st. I also will be going back to blue lake for 5 days to help prepare the Art Colony for the summer program (with Heidi's approval, of course). I plan on diving into volunteering with every opportunity that comes across my lap. Then in the Fall, I will be starting classes again and working my butt off. I am determined to make this work. It is what I want to do, plain and simple. (ALSO, another really awesome thing, there is no record with GV that I ever moved out of state, so I will be getting in-state tuition!!!)
I'm really pumped and I can't wait to start this new chapter in my life back in Grand Rapids!!! Deep down, I've always known that I would end up back there...
Everything fell into place so seamlessly, that I know it is God's plan for me. I can't wait to be closer to family and friends and continue on in my journey.
Thanks for reading to the bottom! I'm sad to be leaving NC, but I'm really excited for what is in store for me!!
Keep comin' back, because as you all know, I never stay in one spot for long ;)
AC out.
AC out.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Hey World. It's been a while.
So much has changed in the past few months. I do not feel like I am me anymore. It is three fourths good and one fourth bad.
And right now, it is going to be about the bad. I feel like I just had my heart ripped right out of my chest. You know when you were little and you had this fancy, romanticized idea of what a family should be? I still had that, up until today. I have known it for a while, but it hit me like a ton of bricks today. I have not talked about it to anyone and nor do I plan to, that is why I am using this medium to vent. I do believe that not many people read this, but that is ok. I write this for me now.
My grandmother has alzheimer's. I first noticed it at my younger cousin's graduation party in 2006, she handed me twenty dollars and told me to put it towards my college fund. As much as I appreciate the extra funds, in that moment, she thought I was thirteen or fourteen years old, when in fact I was twenty. There have been plenty of small moments where I have noticed it, but the big moments are the ones that hurt the most. This disease is a horrible, horrible thing and it robs them of their memories and takes away a part of them that you never thought would go away. It hurts their loved ones because they can remember, but those affected cannot.
Let me start with a little back story. My grandma is one of those grandma's who always looks her best. She is prim, proper and eloguent. Her hair is always in the right place, she is always wearing the latest fashions (for grandmother's of course), her house is always neat and tidy and above else, she is always smiling. This was the grandma I knew growing up. She was sassy, she was smart and she loved you for you. She always had a witty comeback or a snide remark. No matter what she said, you were laughing your butt off in the end. One of her favorite phrases (it was even stitched on a pillow) was "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." It was the only time I ever heard her curse.
For the longest time I have had a very romanticized notion of what my family was. Of course we had our share of differences, as well as a drug addict uncle who broke up the family. Or that is what I thought. Yes, of course that did play a huge part into the family's falling out, but it is not the only reason. Today (and in no way, shape or form do I want to blame my parents at all for what I am about to say), I found out that our family was not a real family. They do not care about us anymore. It is almost like a game to see who can go with out contact the longest. I will give it to my aunt, who was married into the family, who tried to involve us to a certain point, but that is about it. My own father's sister did not even invite us to her son's graduation which was literally forty minutes away from our house...not to mention we did not even know about it. They just do not care.
I feel sorry for them. Sorry that they do not know what real love is, sorry that they never had the relationship I have with my parents. I mean, the only contact my dad gets from his dad is pictures of boobies. His mother doesn't remember him anymore and both of his siblings have abandoned him. And yet, look at my dad. The one good thing that came out of all of this is my father. He is an amazing, wonderful man with the kind of faith, love and support that can move mountains. It hurts my heart that he has had to go through this his whole life and I have only found out about it recently. I give him so much credit for keeping his parents in the good light when he could have casted them aside and just forgot about them. He gave them chance after chance after chance and he will continue to. He will not turn his back on them the way they did him.
This should teach me a lesson, this should show me the way, but I cannot help but close out my heart at this time. The very woman that was holding our family together during all those years (or so I like to think was) is falling apart before our eyes. My grandfather never wanted to be a father, let alone a grandfather, but he did it for her. He smiled his way through all the hugs and kisses; the birthday's and Christmas's. My Uncle is referred to in the family now as "the sperm donor" and my Dad's big sister has a stick so far shoved up her butt that not even the jaws of life could get it out. I had always known this, but they were family and I wanted to think the best of them. I wanted to keep all those memories I have from growing up in a far better world than I could ever imagine, untainted. My mom says to hold those memories dear to me and to not let those go. I want to, I really, really want to, but I am so hurt right now. My heart is broken.
So, now here the question lies, when I go home, do I go visit? In a perfect world, I would turn the other cheek and smile and nod through all of the conversations and listen to everyone talk about the good ol' days. I have been praying for hours, trying to figure out what to do. I do not feel a sense of obligation anymore, but they are family. I am humbled by my father and the way he chooses to deal with this, but I am not him. I have more recent wounds. It does not matter to my grandfather if I come to visit him either way and my grandma does not know who I am anymore. Is it worth breaking my heart again? If I go, I feel as though I will just be hurting myself even more. As everyone who is anyone who knows me, I over think things, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I take things personally. It is just who I am. But, if I do not go, what will that do to me?
I have seen the positive portions to all of these things, being of who my father turned out to be against everything that he had gone through and the graciousness I feel that I have been so fortunate to grow up in the world I did. Trust me, I can see the good things in this, but right now, I hurt. My grandparents were not who I thought they were growing up. I feel betrayed and lied to. Like everyone put on a face to protect the children. Why be apart of our lives at all? Was it because it was just the "proper" thing to do? I know they grew up in a world of money, power and social standings, but who are these people that love us just to put on a face? Did they ever care at all?
And right now, it is going to be about the bad. I feel like I just had my heart ripped right out of my chest. You know when you were little and you had this fancy, romanticized idea of what a family should be? I still had that, up until today. I have known it for a while, but it hit me like a ton of bricks today. I have not talked about it to anyone and nor do I plan to, that is why I am using this medium to vent. I do believe that not many people read this, but that is ok. I write this for me now.
My grandmother has alzheimer's. I first noticed it at my younger cousin's graduation party in 2006, she handed me twenty dollars and told me to put it towards my college fund. As much as I appreciate the extra funds, in that moment, she thought I was thirteen or fourteen years old, when in fact I was twenty. There have been plenty of small moments where I have noticed it, but the big moments are the ones that hurt the most. This disease is a horrible, horrible thing and it robs them of their memories and takes away a part of them that you never thought would go away. It hurts their loved ones because they can remember, but those affected cannot.
Let me start with a little back story. My grandma is one of those grandma's who always looks her best. She is prim, proper and eloguent. Her hair is always in the right place, she is always wearing the latest fashions (for grandmother's of course), her house is always neat and tidy and above else, she is always smiling. This was the grandma I knew growing up. She was sassy, she was smart and she loved you for you. She always had a witty comeback or a snide remark. No matter what she said, you were laughing your butt off in the end. One of her favorite phrases (it was even stitched on a pillow) was "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." It was the only time I ever heard her curse.
For the longest time I have had a very romanticized notion of what my family was. Of course we had our share of differences, as well as a drug addict uncle who broke up the family. Or that is what I thought. Yes, of course that did play a huge part into the family's falling out, but it is not the only reason. Today (and in no way, shape or form do I want to blame my parents at all for what I am about to say), I found out that our family was not a real family. They do not care about us anymore. It is almost like a game to see who can go with out contact the longest. I will give it to my aunt, who was married into the family, who tried to involve us to a certain point, but that is about it. My own father's sister did not even invite us to her son's graduation which was literally forty minutes away from our house...not to mention we did not even know about it. They just do not care.
I feel sorry for them. Sorry that they do not know what real love is, sorry that they never had the relationship I have with my parents. I mean, the only contact my dad gets from his dad is pictures of boobies. His mother doesn't remember him anymore and both of his siblings have abandoned him. And yet, look at my dad. The one good thing that came out of all of this is my father. He is an amazing, wonderful man with the kind of faith, love and support that can move mountains. It hurts my heart that he has had to go through this his whole life and I have only found out about it recently. I give him so much credit for keeping his parents in the good light when he could have casted them aside and just forgot about them. He gave them chance after chance after chance and he will continue to. He will not turn his back on them the way they did him.
This should teach me a lesson, this should show me the way, but I cannot help but close out my heart at this time. The very woman that was holding our family together during all those years (or so I like to think was) is falling apart before our eyes. My grandfather never wanted to be a father, let alone a grandfather, but he did it for her. He smiled his way through all the hugs and kisses; the birthday's and Christmas's. My Uncle is referred to in the family now as "the sperm donor" and my Dad's big sister has a stick so far shoved up her butt that not even the jaws of life could get it out. I had always known this, but they were family and I wanted to think the best of them. I wanted to keep all those memories I have from growing up in a far better world than I could ever imagine, untainted. My mom says to hold those memories dear to me and to not let those go. I want to, I really, really want to, but I am so hurt right now. My heart is broken.
So, now here the question lies, when I go home, do I go visit? In a perfect world, I would turn the other cheek and smile and nod through all of the conversations and listen to everyone talk about the good ol' days. I have been praying for hours, trying to figure out what to do. I do not feel a sense of obligation anymore, but they are family. I am humbled by my father and the way he chooses to deal with this, but I am not him. I have more recent wounds. It does not matter to my grandfather if I come to visit him either way and my grandma does not know who I am anymore. Is it worth breaking my heart again? If I go, I feel as though I will just be hurting myself even more. As everyone who is anyone who knows me, I over think things, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I take things personally. It is just who I am. But, if I do not go, what will that do to me?
I have seen the positive portions to all of these things, being of who my father turned out to be against everything that he had gone through and the graciousness I feel that I have been so fortunate to grow up in the world I did. Trust me, I can see the good things in this, but right now, I hurt. My grandparents were not who I thought they were growing up. I feel betrayed and lied to. Like everyone put on a face to protect the children. Why be apart of our lives at all? Was it because it was just the "proper" thing to do? I know they grew up in a world of money, power and social standings, but who are these people that love us just to put on a face? Did they ever care at all?
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